God doesn't want you, but I do

I love being home. I say that as if I hate being at college but that isn't true, but I really love being at home. I love being in my own bed, I love being back in my basement with my couch and my tv a lot. I love being awake at 4 am watching TV by myself with candles. Candles are so pretty and there's a severe lack of them at college (because they're a fire hazard obviously) and I'm loving them because they are not in my life usually. I love being with my friends. I really really do. I loved thursday night with Jeromiah and Steven and Cass and Caitlin. I had lovely girl talk with Caitlin and I cannot even explain how much I love being around my friends because of their physicality. That's what I miss at college: sitting with my friends, especially Jeromiah. And Maggie really. And I had fun at Olive Garden with Jeromiah and Courtney and Megan and Marshall, hearing everyone's college stories. It kinda saddens me that Courtney and Megan already miss school. Like I don't get it. No part of me misses school yet. Like yeah, I kinda think it'd be sweet if Katherine and Emily and Jeff could come hang out with my friends cuz that'd be fuckin sweet, but I love being home. I love being with my parents; I spent all day just chillin with them, watching comedy central and it was fine. I love my parents. I really really do. I love everyone at home. I wish I could take them all back to school with me when I go back again. And I loved being at Katerina's house. We played frickin trivial pursuit and it was just a blast for no reason. Like we don't have to do the shit that people at college think of as a party but it was still just fun. Also, my goodness, Cherry Vale Mall is so legit compared to some town's mall aka the Sandburg Mall in Galesburg. It is not a real mall compared to my mall. Rockford is representing with its mall man, that's all I'm saying. And tomorrow I'm going to Crimson Ridge with my mom as per holiday tradition, and sometime this week I'm spending some quality borders time. Or maybe post-christmas I will, because hopefully I just get borders money for christmas along with my new york trip. I AM SO EXCITED FOR SARAH TO GET HERE IN 5 DAYS!!! SO EXCITED!!! So excited. Oh my goodness I cannot wait to see my best friend because I haven't since June. That's so long to survive on just phone calls. And I'm excited to see my extended family again on Christmas and Christmas Eve. And I loved holding my goddaughter being at my cousins. I missed that baby, seriously, which is so strange to hear me say, but holding her I kind of get it. I just want to spoil her to death, I just wanna hold her and kiss her and make her smile. Which is the most maternal I will ever be probably. But yeah, no part of me being home is bad. I love it. Love it. And I cannot wait to see everyone else: Ali, Drew, Brandon, Wood, Katie because she's going to come into rockford :) as is Kellie! And hopefully I'll see Kelsey, Joe, Tiffany, Jillian, Phil, Anju, Robbie... I just wanna see as many people as possible. And I cannot wait for New Years Eve!!!! Cannot wait, it's going to be a blast because we're all going to be together. Gah. Can I explain how much I lovelove love love my friends? I probably cannot. But Yeah, I'm gonna end this rant of love. But being home is amazing is the point. But I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to go back when it's time to. But right now I'm loving Rockford.

"If I weren't gettin a buzz, I'd be very embarassed"

I get to go home in like 3 days and I'm so very excited. Especially because I have a severe need to do laundry. Like because of Thanksgiving break it's not even that I miss home that much, I mean i do, because I want to see all my friends and my parents again, but it's that I'm ready to be away from here and the people here and the silly shit they do... Not everyone, but you know, the people that I'm sometimes friends with. Also Katherine is no longer leaving next semester so it's ok that it is winter break time. But seriously, this long ass sleepover that college has been needs to end now. Like that's how it feels. Like it's been real fun but you guys gotta get outta my house; come back next week but get out now. Which is why I'm so glad Katherine isn't leaving because most of the time the idea of living with someone bugs the hell outta me and her and I are so compatible as roommates- I never woulda got that again.
Ok, well I have to study my ass off for my history final tomorrow. I'm a little bit panicking about it. Because I want to do well. I have to do decently well. The honors program means my grades actually matter quite a bit. That's new in my life. Whatever, I have to go.

Cool story, Hansel

So I did this on facebook already but I wanna do another one so here we go.
16 random things about me

1. I love painting tips on my nails. Whether I tip them in black or silver doesn't matter, I really like how it looks ever since I learned to paint my nails when i stopped biting them.

2. I do not communicate with my friends via email. Like I just don't. I don't know why, but I'd much rather handwrite emotional things. I feel like it makes them deeper almost.

3. The most conflicted feelings I have are about being called baby. It pisses me off at the same time as it makes me feel wanted. And seriously the fact that i can't actually figure out how I feel about it irks me. No other pet names bother me in the same way, hun, honey, babe, all are fine I just shake them off as pet names because I use them too (Boo annoys the shit outta me as a pet name, i have no idea why.) it's just being called baby sort of bothers me. Maybe it bothers me because it's condescending but makes me feel wanted. I have these thoughts every time I'm called baby.

4. As much as it artistically annoys me when I hear nothing but synthesizer on a cd, I really like the way it sounds. Like T-Pain, he can't even sing but I like his music.

5. My communications class made me miss English so much it is ridiculous, because whenever Van Kirk lectured it just reminded me that English was so much better. I like Van Kirk a lot, but it just seems like we made a kind of intellectual concept into something really dumbed down.

6. I will be sick of my hair dye by next weekend. I can tell you right now that I will probably be dying it back to black once I get it cut at home.

7. I don't actually like trying to sleep with another person. Like if I was being held and fell asleep that's nice, or if I'm falling asleep and someone lays down with me that's fine, but actively trying to fall asleep like i inevitable do most nights (I know that seems oxymoronic) doesn't work when I'm with another person because to fall asleep I have to move around a lot before I finally fall asleep and I wind up not falling asleep because I'm worried about them falling asleep. But at the same time, I really like just laying in bed with a person.

8. I believe that drunk voicemails are funnier than drunk dials. Especially group drunk voicemails. ha The funniest one of these I ever got was from a group of my closest guy friends; i wish I still had it.

9. I think glitter should be on just about everything. I love sparkles.

10. skipping is underrated. I like it.

11. Whenever I see a couple sitting together, like leaning on each other I miss Jeromiah a lot, not because we're a couple because clearly we are not, but because he's one of the people I am the most physical with and I miss that here at college. And this also has to do with my severe longing for couches, because they're made to be sat on with more than one person; sitting on someone else's bed is so intrusive when you haven't been invited to and sitting in a chair is well you know a one person thing.

12. I can never really explain why I enjoy things. I'm bad at reviewing things.

13. I don't actually like punk music but I absolutely love the punk ideals and that culture. If i could be a part of any other culture it would be the late 70s punk scene or the hippie culture.

14. Sometimes I don't think intentions matter at all because all that matters is actions and how people interpret them. Because no one can feel someone else's feelings. I had that thought and it depressed me.

15. In 7th and 8th grade I had 149 pictures of Eminem on my bedroom wall.

16. I haven't the faintest idea what I'm going to do with a double major in English and Classics but I'm going to get it and I'm going to force myself to love every second of it from here on out.

Spoiled little LA girl

I had a blast down at Mizzou because I loved seeing Maggie. The drive wasn't too bad but I definitely don't wanna do it a lot lol.
Initiation was great. Very fun and very much what I expected initiation to be like. I was and still am very excited to be an official member of Kappa. Going greek was an excellent decision; I'm very glad I changed my mind about it.
Twilight the movie sucked. I'm disappointed by everyone who liked it. I think it just reiterated that those books are bad. Gah I hate that I've read them ugh.
Semi formal for Kappa was strange. It made me miss my friends a lot. Like it was fun I suppose but mostly made me miss my old life.
Thanksgiving break was awesome but far too short. It made me recognize how my life is crazy. Like make a movie of my life crazy. But awesome. I seriously think my life on paper is spectacular. But yeah. I don't have a whole lot to say. That's why I haven't been updating this.
I'm almost done with my first semester of college and that's insane to me. Insane. Like how can I be this old? But w/e. Life is decent as hell for sure :)

The trick is to fool yourself into not caring.

I hate the weekends here. They make me miss home so much more than the week does. I miss having places to go. Like as much as I bitched about Rockford, at least I had a bookstore that wouldn't take me an hour to get to. The nearest Barnes or Borders is 30 miles away. God.
I just. I cannot wait til Friday to go see Maggie. Cannot wait. Honestly. Then I'll just be counting down the days til Thanksgiving. And after that til winter break. And I'm not quite sure why I've been so homesick this week but I really have. 6 weeks is a long time to not be home. But w/e.
I miss you. If you're reading this, I probably miss you more than I can tell you.

Ave

I love my best friends a lot; I miss them a shit ton. I love Pink and her new cd which I actually bought- crazy right?
I hate being sick. I hate when people don't respond to my txts.
I want it to be November 7th. I want hugs back in my life.
I don't want to go swimming. I don't ever want to hear her voice again, but I can't avoid that one.
I think I'm not going to go swimming, because I feel like shit. God, seriously, I feel like death warmed over. Have all day.
I need to write my essay for the honors program. It's like re-applying to college. I hate proving that I'm good enough, because I feel like I hardly ever prove it. But w/e. I don't really have a lot to say.

I really like talking on the phone anymore. The things college does to you ha. i'm gonna go, like die now.

If Socialism is the worst you can accuse me of...

Despite the title of this blog, it has nothing to do with politics.
I just feel like people say socialism like it's the devil's dance and I don't get it. I don't understand how helping people as much as possible is bad. But i do understand the drawback of it. I guess maybe the fact that in my everyday life I don't help people as much as I probably should makes me feel like I can just throw tax money at people and it'll sorta even out the balance, if that makes any sense.
But, the real point is to give an update on my life:
I'm applying for the honors program and I'm excited about it. I'm not sure why, but I really am. I'm excited that I was recognized to be nominated for it.
I had no reason to panic.
I'm so excited for Halloween that it's ridiculous.
Caitlin and I made a pact to both talk to the guys we kinda are into. And mine is not the same guy that I'm currently.... benefitting? I suppose I'll go with that term.
I don't know how I feel about playing softball here. And it bothers me. I'll do it this year of course, but I don't know if I'll do it again; depends on how this year goes.
I'm going to see Maggie on the 8th, because Kappa initiation got pushed back. Which will be an opportunity to get to know all of our sisters better; it isn't a punishment. But it was still very upsetting. Monday sorta sucked. PMS kinda makes my life horrible. But I'm excited to go see Maggie and see a D1 football game even though I'll be missing our Knox game... But D1 football! and my best friend!!
I'm going to see Sarah over spring break and I'm psyched about it! I'm so excited to both see her and see NYC for the first time in my life.
I'm so excited to start taking real English classes next semester.
I may do an off-campus study program at a huge research library to write a 30 or 70 page paper. Like that's one of the off campus things I'm sorta looking at. But I don't know if I could/should but I have a while to decide. I also still want to go to Greece. But i don't know what program to do for that. But w/e

Ok, update ended, because I have other stuff to do. lol

An Excercise in Mind over Body

Fact: I know what I should be doing.
Fact: I know how I should make myself feel.
Fact: I know I should probably feel remorse.
Fact: It's a little bit harder than that.
Fact: I may be panicking. Is this what panicking feels like? This may be panicking.


Fact: There is no need to be doing so....yet.

Fuck.

Never Take Advice From People With Mullets

I'd just like to reiterate that I love college. I miss all of you, but damn, I love college.
I've had a fucking killer week. Killer. From like Friday on. Honestly. I'm hoping it lasts til I get back at least, like through break. I'm really excited to go home though too; I need a bunch of stuff from home- like a mall ha. And my cat. I miss my cat a lot. I'm also really excited to go up to Carthage too and see Katerina and Kassandra and KJ. And meet Katerina's roommate. I'm jazzed about it. But yeah. I've been in a good mood and I'm loving it. But it also makes me think I'm bi-polar haha.
I just really don't want to do this paper that I have to do for ILA. But I need to go check my email about that so I'm done with the life update.

Ode to October

The leaves on one of the trees out my window have begun changing and I've gotten to wear a hoodie everyday this week so far and I've been able to curl up with my friendship blanket every night. No more shorts, no more humidity that makes you sweat just sitting in your dorm room, no more wishing you were still in your own room so you could sleep in as little as possible. It's finally fall. Thanksgiving is coming soon enough and you'll get to see your friends who you haven't seen since August. It's October so the first Halloween away from home and parents is around the corner.
But most importantly, it's Postseason; it's finally time to see your team when it matters. You watched all season, intoning "it's this year" and "Goddamnit!" and "It's alright, they've got two games of the series left" and "At least they didn't get swept" with your heart pounding and your blood rushing and your vocal chords straining because everyone knows that they can hear you through the television to wherever they are that night. You counted down the magic number or you crossed your fingers for a forced tiebreaker or you held your breath for a major misstep and it all paid off. It's finally here. Be excited. Be ready. And most importantly, GO WHITE SOX!

Comin Home

The Kappa retreat was a lot of fun. General hanging out learning about each other eating pizza with no plates, sharing pop from 2 litre bottles, singing dirty songs to the frats, hanging banners up with sheets instead of the tape we were provided with, and chalking the campus. It was fun and I definitely do feel closer to people in Kappa now.
So first of all, I got lost on my way home saturday, a whopping three different times. Well ok, i only got lost once, but took a wrong turn 2 other times. The one time I got on the wrong exit and started heading backwards towards Galesburg, it was really annoying; I was pissed. The first time I just missed an exit but could turn around in like two seconds so it wasn't a big deal. The major time I got lost, I didn't realize I had to get on 88 so i ended up in iowa. I saw the Mississippi and I was just like "i hate everything" and freaked out. Seriously I was so upset about it. But even though i got lost that many times I still only added half an hour to my ride home. But being at home was nice, kinda strange knowing I had to go back here again so soon but I really liked sleeping in my nontwin bed for sure and it was nice to see my entire family basically because Sunday was my parents' 34th anniversary so people were over for a lunch thing. It was also nice to see Jeromiah because I feel like I haven't made real guy friends here yet and I am missing it for sure. But on the way back here I had no issues at all. So that was my weekend.
We had softball practice tonight, and as much as I missed my girls and asbury, it was fun. I forget how much I actually just enjoy that sport. Like it's honestly such a good thing in my life. But my legs are gonna be real sore tomorrow because they don't have knee savers and I hadn't caught all summer really. But it was fun. That's all I really have to say though.
JDesk

First drive

So I don't really know why besides the fact that I have stuff I need to get, but I'm going home tomorrow. It's been a very strange week but I sort of blame that on being a girl. Like actual stuff happened this week too but I think I just freaked out about it because of PMS but whatever.
Tonight is our Kappa new member retreat and I'm really excited about it. Only because I think it'll make me closer to those girls and I'm excited for that. I think because of the fact that all my quad mates are going home this weekend (which is another reason I'm going home) I've noticed how not a ton of friends I have here. Not like I'm a big loser without friends or anything, it's just different so far you know?
But I have to go to my theatre class now so i just wanted to give a quick update.
JDesk

This Program May Contain Content Disturbing to Some Viewers

I don't know who to talk to about this one. I hate that it's upsetting to me but it is. God, it is. I'm so hurt by it and I just can't handle it right now. Like I just moved into college a little over a week ago and now I have to deal with this and I don't have any of my friends around to fix it. Even though they couldn't do it either and even if they were here I couldn't tell them. God I hate keeping secrets, especially when they hurt me. I just.. I don't know what to do either. I have to go do something though; I can't handle this at all just sitting here in my dorm. Hopefully my sorority meeting will make me feel better tonight. I think being in a sorority is really going to help me get friends that I'm really that close to, because right now I miss every one of my friends so much right now. I miss my old life right now.
My life is like a movie and sometimes I love it. I really do. But right now I wish i were in the audience, knowing what it is that I should do. Because you always know what the main character should do as an audience member, but in real life, you can't ever figure it out. Can't I just watch my life play out? And I'm missing my supporting characters. Missing them so much.
I may go get my ear pierced again. That may be what I do.
JDesk

K to the A to the P-P-A, G to the A to the M-M-A , Kappa Gamma, That's what I am-a

So yesterday was bid day. Three of our quad ladies were rushing at two of us pref'd the same sorority first so we were all really curious to see who would go where. So we're all sitting around in our white dresses trying to stay distracted so we're not just watching the clock so we're like singing super loud and obnoxious to like Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers. Well Alyse got formally invited into it first when Alpha Xi came to the door and it was very cute and exciting. But so then we figured it out that we'd be in three different ones, because Katie and Alyse had both pref'd Pi Phi first and neither of them had pref'd Kappa like I had. We pretty much didn't even think of me being Pi Phi which was my second choice so we were pretty excited about the three b20 girls being in different ones. So then Kappa came for me and gave me my invitation and took pictures and it was cute. Then we waited for Pi Phi to come for Katie, because if you're not gonna get invited into a sorority they call you in the morning and tell you so we knew they'd be coming for her. But so we all had to go down to Wallace Hall at 1 and split up into our sororities and like find out which recruitment leaders were in which sorority and learn some songs and then we all rushed out into cars and well kappa has a hay trailer from a place around here that we new pledges jumped on and got crowns and then we got paraded around town and the campus and stuff and just like got loud and obnoxious and shit. It was fun. But then we got out at stewart house (our founding house) and hung out for a bit and got little bracelets then did a formal pledge and got our new member pins and our bid day t-shirts (which were hot pink) and then we had like half hour to get changed into our shirts and then meet to walk to our advisor's house for a cookout thing where we just hung out and chilled and learned some more songs then we did a candle pass with all three sororities and the seniors did a candle pass and one last bid day rendition of a song and then the kappas did the song too. And then we were free to go do anything that was within the limits of purity day. Bid day is purity night so like no drinking, no boys, nothing that wouldn't be fitting for a sorority girl to do in her letters, even though we weren't in letters. In letters you can't do anything you couldn't do in church- which includes no swearing which I'm really gonna have to work on. But I have til October to get used to that because that's when formal initiation is. But yeah. That was sorority bid day.

But I got back to the dorm and hung out with Katherine and one of her friends from ILA, who is in my communications class, and Abby and we were gonna watch friends and we started just talking and it was a ton of fun just being able to tell stories with people. But then we did watch some friends and it was fun.
The point of the story is that I'm having a lot of fun in college but I do have work to do now. I have 102 pages of history to read by wednesday so I probably should get on that.
JDesk

College Life- week 1

I've been at school for almost a week now and I am proud to say I've already done things I figured I wouldn't...
I get along with my three quadmates amazingly. Honestly, i never thought I could live with someone peacefully and I've been doing it and almost enjoying it.
I decorated. Yes, i know that seems like a nothing thing, but I've never had like pictures of my best friends or letters from them up and prominent as like a space that shows me and what's important in my life.
I have talked on the phone to someone everyday. Yes, that's right, the girl who notoriously doesn't pick up her phone when you call has been calling people herself because I really do miss everyone.
I rushed a sorority. I know I said I didn't get it and wouldn't do it, but I decided maybe to see what it was about and pay the 5 dollars to go through recruitment. I had a blast. Every night I had fun. Tonight I was maybe a little tired of it, and anxious for bid day tomorrow but I still had a lot of fun and I'm really excited to find out what I will be. I got invited back to all three both nights of invite only- I was really excited about it and had no one around to gush to because my quadmates that are rushing with me didn't get invited to the ones they wanted, or all the ones they wanted and I didn't want to get super excited in front of them when they were upset and I didn't really know who to talk to about it. But it's ok because I made my decision and I'll see how it turns out tomorrow and if I hate it I can always deactivate but I somehow don't see myself doing that. The point is, sorority life is kinda addicting right now.

Classes have been ok so far too; I'm bored with Latin right now, History wasn't as intense as i thought it would have been from the first day but I think it'll get there probably, Intro the Theatre and Film has been fun so far- the movie we watched today (Being John Malkovic) was absolutely batshit bizarre, Intro to Liberal Arts so far is pretty damn basic, and Communications is kinda fun also has a bit of eye candy so that makes it better :).

But I am tired now and have to be ready for bid day craziness.
JDesk