2 days to go

So yesterday was the last day for me to not think about the fact that I'm headed to Greece on Sunday. I woke up early, packed up one suitcase (mostly clothes and a set of sheets) and then did nothing else related to traveling for the rest of the day. I did what I've been doing since November to not think about stressful things: listen to John Mayer. I keep thinking about what albums I'm going to listen to since I have so much time on the flight, but part of me knows that once I'm in the air and panicking about what's going on in my life, I'm going to ignore that mental list and go to my ridiculously large sized collection of Mayer music and try to calm down. I'm relying on him and Anne Rice to make me not FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

But all of that really just means that for the next two days my brain will not be shutting the hell up in the next three days really, because I know that the plane might be the worst. I woke up about an hour ago and was already thinking about the trip. I am seriously terrified. I know that it'll be an amazing experience and that I'm going to have a blast, but right now I'm terrified. I've never been to Europe at all and I'm going without an adult (okay, I recognize that I'm pretty much an adult now but I don't feel like one) and I'm going for 4 months. I've never been away from home for any time like that straight. It isn't like going to Monmouth where I can just head home whenever I want. I know I signed up for this and I really am excited about it too, but I'm worrying. Uselessly, but worrying nonetheless.

I'm also worrying about money. I know it shouldn't matter, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and if I have to spend money to do it, then so be it, but I still am worried about it. I spend a lot of money, I always have. But this will be the first time I've lived on my own really. I have to cook and clean and buy things to do so. I will have to buy real things for pretty much the first time; I can't just spend my money on entertainment type things. I know it'll be good for my spoiled ass, but that doesn't mean it's less stressful. I mean if I screw up practice adulthood I'm just going to be even more freaked out about real life and guess who doesn't need that? This girl.

Whatever. I'm trying to work through the fear. I'll be fine. I'll be better than fine. It'll be a week of freaking out and then however many of awesome.

H'ok here's the earth

So I'll be using this blog for my trip to Greece because it'll just be easier for people to follow. I'll be posting all the stuff I put on here on my Tumblr as well just because I actually like Tumblr more, but I'll still be tumbling random shit too, so I don't want people to be annoyed by that if all they want is info about Greece. I can't know how often I'll post here but whatever. I'll try

In Theory

Ambition means very little without opportunity, but the reverse is true as well. I am dying for an adventure right now and I do not know how to sate that craving. And I don't know that I could man up to take the opportunity to pile some clothes into a bag and get in my car, 5$ in cash and a credit card and just go, trying to spend as little as possible, but seeing what I could find. I don't think I could allow myself to do it, because I'll be gone in the fall. Hopefully. If word comes that I'll still be in Monmouth in the fall, I'll do it. I'll just head west until I hit sunshine and a shore. I'll trust the world enough to leave comfort. In theory, I'll do it. I have very little holding me back except this screaming fear in my head that says...well, nothing specifically except "You can't" and I believe it more than I'd like.
I believe it a lot more than I'd like.

not the antichrist

Entitlement tastes bitter and sweet. Not bittersweet in the beautiful sense, but both in such overwhelming qualities that i cannot describe it. it cannot be made into one word. If you split that taste open it would be sugar and ash, blended, crystals being turned grey. It would be black diamonds melting away, making you cringe. But I lap it up from the ground, hoping to never be rid of such a distinction.

Dreaming as though you're on top

All art is inherently useless, but so is everything else.
I just want to drop pebbles in the water and watch it ripple away to nothing.
And playing God is all that's on my mind. But we're all playing at something.
I've come closer to the Platonic truth that we are all seeking an ideal and going about that by images.
We're all in Strawberry fields. Recreating that moment when we forgot such things and just felt. That's all it is: feeling.
Are there electrical impulses to the soul?
Mine remind me of you.
And the idea of infinite possibility lights me up, even though it is purely an idea that will forever be ephemeral. But isn't that beauty?
Driving into the sun, feeling it's warmth and craving that sense that you'll get somewhere, but being blinded and burned.
That's recreation.

"I'd like that"

This is the story of a girl who fell too hard for a boy with a guitar in his hands and a smirk on his mouth. This is the story of a girl whose heart breaks every time she hears the opening chords to a song that he sang. This is the story of a girl who remembers sitting on a couch with her feet curled under his skinny thighs, his feet curled under her thick ones, trying not to smile and be forced to explain why. This is the story of a girl who remembers his fingers interlaced between hers, set down so lightly on her lap. This is the story of a girl who can still feel that hitch in his breath and her lips on his cheek. This is the story of a girl who thinks of that boy whenever she sees a guitar and knows that he doesn't play anymore.

You're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph

well fuck
that's all i have to say about that.

I am so psyched about my Honors class; I am not psyched however about all the readings for it. I'm just excited about the ideas.
But now it's naptime.